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James J. De Santis, Ph.D. Post Office Box 894, Glendora, CA 91740-0894 (818) 551-1714 The reader is welcome to print any screen from this website for personal use only as long as author, copyright, and contact information are not removed. Trust Your Own Word Think of the way that you feel every time you say you want something and then deny yourself of it. Look at every time you commit to something and don't follow through. Look at every time you promise yourself 'never again,' yet find yourself right back at the 'again.' Look at every time you find yourself in these situations, you teach yourself to not trust your own word. Your word is important to your inner child, and your inner child needs to trust you as the adult. You're finally able to watch over yourself, to guide, protect, and love yourself. When you make promises to your inner child that you're going to do something and then you don't do it, you'll begin to feel at war inside. Your inner child will beg you to stop messing with them, creating a bit of internal chaos along the way. You must take care of your inner self by giving it what it needs, by seeing it, hearing it, and honoring it. Think about the things that get in the way of following through on your word to yourself. What blocks you from sticking to your goals, from healing? The first step is to spend some time with that question and see what comes forward for you. It's hard to heal if your internal system knows that you're not going to follow through. As a start point, make one promise to yourself that you know you can keep. Start building up that internal sense of trust with yourself, but if you find yourself in a situation where you cannot keep the promise don't deny that it happened. Admit to yourself that it happened again in a gentle and loving way, and then start over again. All you need to do is start somewhere. Relationship to Self, Relationship to Others Have you ever considered your inner world? This world calls your attention, asking you to check on what is happening in our most intimate and personal experiences. Checking in with yourself is just as important as checking in on others, so we must treat ourselves the same way that we treat the people we care deeply about. Be consistent. Frequently ask your partner about what's going on in their internal world. Then, turn around and ask yourself the same question. What am I feeling? Where does this feeling come from? Do I feel good about my work? Do I enjoy where I live? How do I feel about my spending habits? Am I fully expressing myself sexually? Do I feel seen and understood? By whom? Who do I currently feel closest to in this life? How is my relationship with my mom? With my dad? How am I feeling about what's going on in the world right now? How can I love you? Here's how you can love me. These are just a few of the kinds of questions that you can pose to yourself and your partner in order to make sure that your inner worlds are connecting properly, feeling understood by the other, and understood by yourself. The inner world and the peace and understanding that is made there is so important in being able to be intimate with others and yourself. If you take the time to care for yourself and others, your relationships will feel more balanced. Ways to Deal with People who are Emotionally Draining Emotionally draining people do not need an all-access pass to your life. Setting boundaries around how you interact with people who are emotionally draining can stop you from feeling uncomfortable at the sight of a simple text, call, or post on social media. Some easy ways to set these sort of boundaries are: 1. Speak with them less frequently 2. Mute, block, or unfollow them on social media 3. Let their calls go to voicemail 4. Leave their texts unread until you feel ready to address them 5. Only talk when it's a good time for you 6. Let them in to your life only as long as you are able to tolerate them 7. Work to understand your emotions (ask yourself: what are you feeling and why?) 8. Assert their responsibility in making your interactions more pleasant You can ask people to change, but you can't force them to change, and that is exactly why you must draw the boundaries you need in order to protect your own emotional reserve. You know what a healthy relationship entails for yourself, so make sure that those who are draining understand that they do so. It is possible to empathize with people who emotionally drain you without letting them do exactly that, and communicating these boundaries is just as important as drawing those boundaries. Even if these people drain you, they also deserve to know that you are taking steps toward lessening communication. Don't leave people hanging, but don't sacrifice yourself for the sake of others either. Coping with Isolation During a Quarantine Many people are struggling with the stress of isolation during the COVID-19 quarantine. Here are number of practical suggestions for managing with isolation. Structure Create structure and routine. Keep to a schedule. Go to bed and wake up at the same time each day. Plan your day the night before. Set small goals. What are three things you will accomplish today? Put your work away after regular office hours. Spring clean your home or garage. Organize your belongings. Rest, Exercise, and Nutrition Eat well-balanced, nutritious food. Drink plenty of fluids. Find a new recipe and cook or bake. Treat yourself, but don't overindulge. Get a good amount of sleep. Avoid alcohol and recreational drugs. Get time outdoors. Get sunshine. Move your body. Get exercise. Take walks. Live stream an exercise class. Practice relaxation or mindfulness with guided instruction on the internet. Limit Media Consumption Take a break from your computer and your house. Set a limit or take breaks from your news-feed, television, and social media. Only consult trusted news sources. Pay attention to upbeat news. Social Activity Physical isolation doesn't mean you must also emotionally isolate. Get social interaction through video conference platforms. Reach out to friends and family as a regular check-in. Talk to people you trust about your feelings. Create a video happy hour or dinner date. Play games with others over video, like charades or password. If you quarantine with others, spend time talking. If you quarantine with children, talk and listen. If you quarantine with others, play a board game, dance, sing. Be kind to other people around you. Creative Pursuits Do something creative: journal, paint, craft, play an instrument, dance. Create a gratitude list. Add to it once a day. Listen to music. Read a good book. Listen to a good audio book. Learn a new hobby or skill. Scrapbook. Learn about a new subject. Start a project you have been putting off. Plan something for the future. Psychological Support Label and validate what you're feeling. Avoid judging or criticizing yourself, especially if you are feeling guilt. Realize that you are not alone. Remember that this quarantine is temporary. Remember why you are staying home. Remember that quarantine is for the greater good to help others. Give yourself a pat on the back for helping society. Talk to a therapist in a virtual session. Redefining the Meaning of Sick Days To Include Students A "mental health day" is defined as a day that an employee takes off from work in order to relieve stress or renew vitality. Although this definition covers those within the workforce, there is an increasing use of the phrase in schools. Students are just as stressed as those who are apart of the labor force, and many require similar days in order to feel as though they are able to continue with their education in a constructive manner. The one difference between someone with a job and a student is a set district policy on absences, as students are required to attend classes by law. School districts track absences in order to note truancy and patterns of nonattendance, and most require a viable reason for missing classes. Mental health does not traditionally fall into that category. It seems as though the current movement is to integrate mental health days into a student's arsenal of district approved absences, and many are responding to this sentiment. In the state of Florida, legislation is being passed that allows a mental health day to be considered a viable reason to miss school. House Bill 315 notes that systems are in place across school districts nationwide in order to track a lack of attendance as this has been linked to poor academic performance, but also works to allow up to one mental health day per semester as an official excused absence. This bill, and many others like it that are being formed in Utah, Oregon, Virginia, and New York, puts the mental health of students at the forefront, acknowledging the need for these types of absences in this day and age. Many young people are struggling with the effects of anxiety and depression, and many come to a point during the school year where a day off would be extremely helpful for their mental health. Until this point, absences recorded without verification from a doctor or a similar type of note went as unexcused, harming the student's ability to perform well in their classes due to a lack of allowances for unexcused absences in regard to missed schoolwork. Bills such as the one being developed in Florida discern the difference between mental exhaustion (due to the effects of conditions like anxiety and depression) and truancy, while opening a dialogue between districts and students to form and utilise mental health resources. Seeing as mental health days are being worked into legislation, it appears that districts are working to expand the meaning of "sick" to include mental health, but this legislation cannot stand with just students and schools at the helm. Mental health professionals must advocate for mental health days because they will provide tangible and accredited support to the movement. The National Alliance on Mental Illness has already worked to provide this sort of support by developing an online resource for parents in the form of a free, six session education guide, but so much more could be done by an entire network of professionals across the country who have the ethos to make a real difference in the ways that schools and states respond to a student's need for mental health days. Links: https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/schools-nationwide-are-offering-mental-he alth-days-to-addressgrowing- issues-among-teens-185153235.html https://myfloridahouse.gov/Sections/Documents/loaddoc.aspx?FileName=_h0 315__.docx&DocumentType=Bill&BillNumber=0315&Session=2020 https://publiccourseapi.nami.org/Learner/Login?ReturnUrl=%2F Children of Alcoholics, From Childhood to Adulthood It can be seen that no fully pleasant mental state ever truly drives anyone to alcohol. The joys of inebriation can only take someone so far, and when these joys turn to problematic behaviors outside of the usual drunken mishap is when some irreparable damage is done. Some people take the consumption of alcohol too far into a territory where stopping this behavior seems like an illogical and unbearable feat, and that is when the repercussions of such a behavior begin to affect more than just the person who drinks. There is much to be said of the effects of alcoholism on the children of alcoholics, specifically the ways that living that life manifest in adulthood, and there is an existing trend of the children of alcoholics allowing for old pain to be transported to new relationships and experiences that robs them of a full life in the same way alcohol did to their parents. The interpersonal effects of being the child of an alcoholic are numerous, as those relationships can lead these children to difficulty recognizing their own needs, a maintenance of inappropriate balances in their relationships with others, and life in a space and cycle of insecure attachment patterns. Such patterns include: Avoidance of intimacy or emotional closeness/connection Difficulty or being unable to share vulnerable thoughts and feelings Limited or lack of emotional response to others Limited or lack of empathetic response Neediness along with emotional distance Overly critical Excessively rigid and perfectionistic Intolerant of uncertainty or changes in the environment Chronic anxiety and sense of insecurity Feelings of helplessness Feelings of excessive guilt Controlling towards others Excessively blames others Erratic, impulsive, and unpredictable Superficially charming or engaging Insensitive Abusive Links: https://www.mentalhelp.net/parenting/what-happens-to-children-of-alcoholi c-parents/ Dopamine Fasting The culture of Silicon Valley comes up with self-improvement fads frequently in order to boost productivity and efficiency, the most recent being "dopamine fasting." These tech innovators participate in dopamine fasting--avoiding stimulants like social media, tech, and even food--as a way to counteract what they perceive as overstimulation by "quick hits" of dopamine. It seems that they find the exact things they abstain from more enjoyable and engaging after a fast, and many have noted that dopamine fasting helps them to curb the suppression of negative emotions and rebalance their high stress jobs and lives. This then allows for engagement in other, healthier behaviors. While participation in such a fad may have personal benefits for each individual, the science behind this activity is anything but concrete. Dopamine is a compound present in the body as a neurotransmitter, and many brain networks rely on this compound in order to function properly. According to the Incahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, dopamine is required for the proper function of the mesolimbic reward pathway, which is a dopaminergic pathway that releases dopamine into the nucleus accumbens. Each of these plays a significant role in the reward circuit, as the nucleus accumbens' proper modes of operation rely heavily on dopamine in order to promote desire. The interruption of this process through dopamine fasting has yet to be classified as a functional practice, since dopamine does not have as straightforward a relationship to happiness or pleasure as many who fast from it assume. Dopamine fasting has not be subject to a controlled study, and many professionals have noted that participants in this fad have oversimplified the role of dopamine in the brain. Dopamine levels cannot be lowered, but it also seems as though this is not the intention of the fast. Instead, dopamine fasting can be classified as more of a stimulation fast that works to temper the consumption of addictive substances. It is almost as though a dopamine fast is a form of social media and tech detox more so than it is a complete disconnect from dopamine, allowing the brain's receptors to calm down and reset its reward system. Seeing as there is no tangible evidence that a dopamine fast (as defined by those in Silicon Valley) works as assumed, it is important to rework its definition due to the credulous nature of certain people who may look to these innovators as tenable sources. There is much to be said about the ways in which those on the cutting edge of technological development have garnered interest in their wellness initiatives by those outside of Silicon Valley, and mental health professionals definitely have a place in this conversation. If the true intention of dopamine fasting is to overcome certain problematic or addictive behaviors, then there is work to be done in employing cognitive behavioral therapy to help those who believe in dopamine fasting to address the roots of their addictive behaviors. It is obviously not healthy or realistic to completely cut oneself off from pleasurable experiences through the transmission of dopamine, but many either do not know this or do not care to know. The practice may continue, and it is important that mental health professionals are aware of its existence so that they can combat the assumptions made about its effectiveness and provide credible methods of therapy for patients who may view fasting from dopamine as a viable option in their search to mitigate certain addictive behaviors in favor of a more balanced life. Links: https://www.livescience.com/is-there-science-behind-dopamine-fasting-tren d.html https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20191115-what-is-dopamine-fasting Are You Addicted to Suffering? No one wants to suffer. At the end of the day, people are most concerned with being happy and healthy, but sometimes our own patterns of behavior can get the best of us, and we find ourselves repeating cycles in order to confirm our own stories and truths. There are certain systems in place that work to help people support their own stories, and even negative emotions like suffering find ways to repeat themselves through these systems. You may find yourself participating in self destructive behaviors that allow you to continue to help yourself feel the emotions that make you unhappy, and this is sometimes because these feelings are all you know. Being comfortable is equated with being happy, and if that comfort rests on the back of suffering, then you may be susceptible to feelings that are not particularly desirable or constructive. When you spend your time searching for reasons to suffer, you simultaneously harm relationships that you have with others and the one that you have with yourself through unhealthy coping mechanisms. If you find that you are struggling to find resilience from certain circumstances, that you are enslaved by your emotions, or that you are powerless to change, you may be addicted to suffering. To come out on the other side of this addictive behavior, you have to sit down and ask yourself: Who are you without this chaos? Are you loyal to past truths that created your story? Do you have a pattern in your life of struggling? Of course, a simple series of questions are not going to fix this kind of emotional addiction, but it is worth wondering if your loyalties lie in the wrong places. The first step is to create a new way of living that both donors your past experiences and allows evolution from that past and the version of yourself that it created. Links: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/are-you-addicted-to-suffe_b_9744416 The People Pleasing Instinct People pleasing can initially seem like an admirable trait. Presumably, the desire to please those around you comes from a place of care and respect, but what is often forgotten is that sometimes this inherent need to please can also stop you from receiving. Receiving in the same way is not selfish, but equitable, and when you are so focused on pleasing those around you, you often forget to do the same for yourself. This pattern of behaviour is pervaded with problems for not only the person who feels they must please everyone but also those that they are trying to please. This could manifest in future interactions where the people-pleaser feels as though they have no other recourse than to succumb to what they perceive to be the expectations of others, resulting in the harboring of resentment and, at times, self hatred. Expressing your authentic needs and expectations as a people pleaser is difficult. You may tend to put on a facade when introduced to situations where, if you were to say no or not execute, you may begin to feel the recessive effects of a life spent terrified of a lack of acceptance. Alexandra D’amour, blog writer for On Our Moon, put it best when she said that “people pleasers often start off as parent pleasers.” There is an origin story to all human behaviours, and many rest in childhood during the early stages of development. When the safest space you have seems to be crashing and burning, it is possible for the child to place the weight of solving the problem on their shoulders. In environments like this, it is really easy for a child to become small, default to whatever makes a parent happiest, and try to stay under the radar. The child adapts to finding ways to take on their parent’s emotional regulation, and this sort of damage control can become a lifestyle. Questions to ask yourself as you identify your people pleasing instincts are: 1. What do you do in the current moment to betray yourself when the results of your decisions ask you to? 2. Who/what function does this serve? 3. What role did you take on in your family unit to keep order for yourself and others? 4. What have you taken with you? 5. How does it adversely affect you? There is a way to be amiable without pleasing everyone. Although it is easier said than done, the first step is recognising that you are unhappy with these interactions, finding their origin story, and noting where you could best please yourself. Links: https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/people-pleasing-and-how-to- overcome-it/ https://onourmoon.com/about/ How to Feel Comfortable Drawing Boundaries It is important to recognise that everyone has their personal limits, including yourself. These limits can be translated into boundaries, and setting these requires practice. Perpetuity is important here, although it is also key to remember that a large part defining your relationships on your terms rests in discussion. It is very easy to mistake boundaries for distance, and effective communication makes all the difference. I have found that, at least in the initial efforts, there is solace to be obtained in the act of eliminating those facets of life that cross your boundaries. Completely cutting someone or something off can be freeing, but it ultimately doesn’t last. These behaviors are bound to be repeated in the same relationships or entirely different ones as long as boundaries stay miscommunicated. These things are typically sempiternal without some real intervention on your part. As far as feeling comfortable engaging in the act of drawing boundaries goes, there are some crucial things to remember. The first is that these lines you draw are not permanent. You are allowed to change, and so are your boundaries. If something that made you uncomfortable before no longer has that same effect on you, then it is more than fine edit your own decisions. That is another thing — boundaries are decisions, and every decision has some sort of chain reaction. To draw a boundary is to take even a small bit of personal responsibility for your life, and that is something to be celebrated. Not everyone will agree with you or like your decision, especially if it interferes with the way that they engage with you, but this practice is ultimately bound to garner nothing but respect from those who actually deserve to be in your life and have your energy used on them. The final thing to remember is that there are many kinds of boundaries to be set, whether they be mental, physical, emotional, material, or time and energy based. If you can identify what is important to you, the next step is to voice your concerns with those who may be crossing these lines and hope that they can be receptive. Failure to set boundaries and hold people accountable can result in feelings of being used and mistreated, and no one deserves to have that be the case. Links: https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2016/07/how-to-deal-with-people- who-repeatedly-violateyour-boundaries/ Considering Your Own Emotional Reactivity The state of being reactive can be characterized by thoughts or execution of acting in response to a situation as opposed to controlling it. It is a cogent indicator that a boundary has been crossed, and it’s possible to be reactive to situations involving you with you or you with someone else. In any case, reactivity begs attention from yourself to your internal system of processing information and situations. There is some real introspection that comes with the ability to be reactive, and paying attention to your patterns in the way that you handle uncomfortable situations is key. In considering your reactivity, there are some questions to ask yourself that may lead you to understand and bring awareness to your reactivity. Marriage and family therapist Vienna Pharaon (@mindfulmft) posted these on her Instagram page: What story am I telling myself about what just happened? Why is this familiar? When else and with whom have I experienced this sensation before? How was reactivity dealt within my family system? What boundary of mine got crossed? Where do I feel this in my body? What do I need to own or claim about my reactivity to move forward and learn from it? Do I want to share this with someone? Overall, being in a reactive state is something that causes emotions to come forward with such intensity that it can result in victimization and/or uncontrollable reactions. Repressed emotions can inform you of their existence in this state, and that is ultimately where you may fall victim to your emotional reactivity. Taking a look at these questions, it is worth asking yourself about the origins of your feelings and what eventually led you to the point where you felt recalcitrant to your normal modes of behavior. Our old patterns become near obsolete as we mature, and to stand in the truth of your emotional reality is the only way to move forward while still maintaining personal growth. There is no shame in reactivity, only in repeatedly allowing your unconscious pain to overshadow your ability to speak from the present moment. Links: https://www.desert-alchemy.com/article/reactivity/ https://www.instagram.com/mindfulmft/?hl=en |