James J. De Santis, Ph.D. Post Office Box 894, Glendora, CA 91740-0894 (818) 551-1714 The reader is welcome to print any screen from this website for personal use only as long as author, copyright, and contact information are not removed. As a parent, we want our children to grow up healthy, happy, and successful in life. We want to provide them with life's advantages. We want a child to grow into a mature, responsible adult. Development of maturity begins at birth. If along the way our child begins to display irresponsible or immature behavior for his age, our first task is to assess our own parenting. Parents have an important impact on child development. Few parents would intentionally undermine their child's growth and development, of course, but there is no certification for parenthood. We can make well-intentioned mistakes. Society somehow expects us to know how to do this thing called parenting. There are a number of ways in which our desire to do the best for our child can be misguided. We may try too hard to be an admirable parent or to be liked by our child. We may become impatient with wanting everything to go right. We may want our child to embrace all our values and priorities. We may try to shield her from life's disappointments. We may find ourselves trying to compel or cajole responsible behavior out of her. When you find yourself doing any of these things, you may be adding to the problem. Children have a natural ability to manage life and to learn how to cope with problems. We must avoid inadvertently encouraging them to be dependent or immature. Here are checklists to assess whether your own child is acting responsibly and whether you are being effective as a parent, as well as a list of parenting tips. Signs of an Irresponsible Child Temperamental, touchy, throws tantrums Disruptive, annoying, and attention-seeking Must have his own way, demanding Argumentative, oppositional, rebellious Does not obey reasonable adult requests Vindictive, resentful Self-centered, sense of entitlement Blames others for everything Steals or lies Happy only when things are "perfect" Lazy, gives up too easily, passive Can't solve his own problems Makes poor decisions Signs of Ineffective Parenting Inordinate efforts at caretaking Feeling responsible for your child's feelings Feeling embarrassed by your child's behavior Pleasing your child to maintain harmony, even when you know you should say "no" Trying to control your child's behavior Making excuses for your child Feeling chronically unappreciated The only way to get things done is to do it yourself Fearing to let your child out of your sight Global negativity about your child Administering excessive punishment What You Can Do Here are some parenting tips for developing greater responsibility in a child: Avoid doing for a child what he can do for himself. Don't underestimate your child's abilities--what you expect is often what you will get. Avoid doing things for your child out of habit long after it is necessary. Watch your child's behavior and look for emerging competencies. You may be unaware he has become capable of something new. Resist overprotecting your child. You can't arrange all the outcomes. Of course, provide care and safety--don't neglect or abandon--but avoid trying to rescue your child from life itself. Avoid insulating your child from the consequence of her own behavior. Instead of imposing arbitrary rewards and punishments, draw upon the natural and logical consequences that result from choices your child makes. For example, the consequence of not putting on a sweater when asked is feeling cold. The consequence of refusing a meal when it is offered is hunger. Look for opportunities to actually step back and give your child a chance to respond to the situation. Part of life's joy is in mastering new challenges. Only step in if a problem becomes too much. Catch your child being good--conscientious, mature, and competent. Acknowledge your child's pride and satisfaction in his own behavior. Be unimpressed by behavior that seeks negative attention. Even negative attention can be rewarding. Avoid encouraging negative behavior whenever possible. Create opportunities for your child to experience his own strength and self-sufficiency. Children naturally want to do things for themselves. They enjoy their abilities. Personal accomplishment is its own reward. Children are eager to make useful contributions to the family and their peer group. Take advantage of the opportunity, and enlist their participation in taking on responsibilities appropriate for their age. Avoid worrying about what other people might think of you. Don't be overly concerned about presenting an appearance of being a loving, concerned parent. Have the courage to say "no" and not satisfy every whim. Saying "no" is not unloving. Set limits that are consistent, firm, and warm. Offer positive alternatives. Rather than exerting control through nagging, shouting, or threats, influence your child through listening, teaching, guiding, modeling, and encouraging. Define and state your expectations beforehand. Make instructions easy to understand for your child's age. Ask him to repeat your request. Guide your child how to face life, to analyze disturbing situations, to manage frustrations and disappointments, and to respond to problems flexibly. Children never are too young to cope with frustrations or to solve problems. Avoid injudicious self-sacrifice. Value your own needs and not just your child's. Balance your life with other sources of satisfaction outside of your child. Accept your child's personality and preferences as they are, without trying to change them. Be patient. Give your child choices, and when you do, accept your child's decision. Let go whenever possible. Maintain a positive attitude about your child. Show faith in her strength, ability, courage, adequacy, and self-sufficiency. Let her know you believe she can deal with life. When To Seek Help When your efforts to develop responsibility in your child or to reverse problem behavior are thwarted, when your child begins to exhibit a pattern of behavior that is irresponsible for his age that is resistant to change, it may be time to seek consultation from a child guidance center or mental health professional.

Raising a Responsible Child